Self-reflection should not scary

Yes... being self-reflective is sometime tough.  It can be sobering. It can be scary. But, it can also be eye-opening and very rewarding. In some cases it starts out as a negative and turns into a wonderful positive. It can also make the good, even better.

We have all heard the concept - when something happens to you over and over again, the common denominator is you.  This can be both good and bad. Learning to use these self-reflections to your advantage can really change your world.

The Bad

If the recurring item is bad, it is really easy to want to blame others. Human nature means we like to find excuses that were totally out of our control, as the reason this bad thing happened. Try not to allow this to happen.  Take a honest look at the situation.  What really caused this?  How did my involvement make the situation worse? What could have improved the outcome? If I make a change in my behavior, could I avoid this in the future?

• Example: as I wrote about in my blog, "I am not perfect", I had to really become reflective on my need to be perfect.  I had to realize the damage I was doing to myself and others, in my need to be perfect. I had to honestly teach myself that not being perfect was okay.  Though, this started out as a very painful journey in self-reflection, it ended up being life-altering in a good way.

And... The Good

If the recurring thing is good, you should reflect on how that good thing came about.  What actions did you take to bring the good thing to yourself.  Was it even better the second time?  What could you do to ensure this good thing continues to come your way and improve over time?

• Example:  I enjoy dinner with my friends.  How do I ensure that I get to go to dinner with friends.  I reflected on the best dinners I have had with friends.  What made that evening special?  Before the dinner, what could I do that would make them accept an invite from me?  How could I continue to improve these dinners for them, which in turn would hopefully keep my friends willing to spend time with me?  

I continue to struggle with being self-reflective enough. It does seem hard and it is much easier to just avoid looking inward to solve an issue.  It is very easy to just "go with the flow".  But... I have truly learned over the years that self-reflection normally leads to really great life-altering changes that turn out to be wonderful and necessary to make my life better.

Tennis Shoe Tracking

I have foot problems.  My doctor told me to try and never wear the same pair of shoes two days in a row. He recommended that I own at least three to four pairs of every day shoes or tennis shoes so I could swap them daily.  

This year, I have been trying to walk every day.  I owned four pairs of tennis shoes, so I could easily switch shoes every day.  

I realized quickly that I struggled to remember which shoes I wore the day before.  It struck me as too funny that each day as I went to pull a pair out of my shoe holder and I would have to stand there, dumbfounded, at which pair I wore the day before.

I knew I could solve this issues... so I tried a few different things.

• 
  I took the top pair out and then moved each pair up one level, so that the next day I would have a new pair on the top. 
• As you can imagine... this got old quickly.
• I moved all the pairs deep inside their cubby holes. When I returned the day's pair back into their cubby, I would stick them out a bit so that tomorrow, I could grab the pair under the sticking out pair. I would move the sticking out pair deep into their cubbies. 
• Yes... this also had issues.  Think cats and shoe strings.
• I pulled out a pair to wear and then pulled out the next pair and put them on the floor so that I would know that tomorrow I should wear the ones on the floor.  
• Those of you that know me well can only imagine how my anal-retentiveness hated seeing shoes sitting on the floor... so that plan was nixed quickly.  
• Then... finally... a winner.  I just took the cap off the foot spray I keep on top of the cubby box. I put it in the cubby hole for the shoes I should grab that morning.  Then, as I grab a pair, I move the lid to the next pair for tomorrow.  
• This answer seems so easy... I am not sure why I didn't start with it.

This might be a very simple suggestion ... but it did teach me that solving a "simple" problem can sometimes take trial and error before you land on the fix that works for you.

Take your ego out of it

Take your ego out of it. This concept is hard to do.  I get it.  But, if you can do it - you will be so much happier.  Much less stressed.  Less jealous.  And, gain greater satisfaction from inside yourself. Your ego is really not your friend.

How do I know this? What does this look like? 

I learned this over years of owning my own business.

• 
  Customers tend to only complain; seldom compliment.
• Don't let your ego get hurt by this - it is human nature.
• You realize that if a customer returns, you did something right.  
• You have to make every decision - the good, bad and ugly.
• You can't allow your ego to make decisions or you will never learn from the bad and ugly decisions; you will only want to make decisions that feed your ego. Your business cannot survive this way.
• As the owner and operator, you don't waste time complimenting yourself.
• Your ego can't be stroked easily by yourself; all you can do is be satisfied that you are making money and providing a good service.
• Your are responsible for all parts of the job - the good, bad and ugly.
• Since there was no one to delegate to, I had to learn to appreciate completing the really dreaded parts of the job. I learned that completing the bad and ugly was rewarding.

Then, I closed my businesses and decided to go back to working in the office world.  

The wonderful lady that was retiring, was training me for my new role. During the training, she often said that I should remove my ego from the role.  She explained:

• The team would host many lunches, dinners, special events and customer outings. I would not be included. 
• It was no personal, it was just the nature of the business.
• The team had worked together for decades and were a well oiled machine.
• Ego stroking was not a thing, since they had all done their jobs for so long.
• I was there to serve the team and they basically took this for granted.
• Therefore, compliments were few and far between.
• Most of the job duties were owned solely by me.
• No one really knew what it took to complete the tasks, so kudos were not considered necessary.
• There were good, bad and ugly tasks to complete with this role.  
• Again... no one to delegate to so I continued to appreciate just getting the job done.

I loved owning my own company and I really loved working for the team.  I learned so much. There were so many great people in both worlds.  But, after 20 years of almost no ego stroking, I learned to take my ego out of the jobs / tasks and just get the work done.  

What a blessing this is!  How freeing this is! Stepping into my current job with basically no ego is freeing.  

• This allowed me to take on roles that many people would shun, since I was used to doing anything to get the job done.  
• These roles opened doors to better roles. 
• I found it easy to support anyone that needed support without caring about titles.
• This opened doors for other executives and teams to want to work with me.
• No job was too small or lame.
• This gave me access to all sorts of new experiences, which allowed me to grow my skillset.
• I was happy to allow other people to take the credit for projects and teamwork. 
• I had learned not to care about getting the credit - I had gotten all the credit (both good and bad) during my previous roles.
• This made my peers and co-workers more willing to help me when I needed it.

Taking my ego out of my day-to-day life has helped me personally, also:

• I no longer feel rejected or snubbed if people don't include me.
• Usually this just means I am not needed for the particular event, project, or dinner; it is not personal.
• I can embrace my inner crazy cat lady, my colorful yard decorations, my garage sale furniture, etc.
• I enjoy these things for myself; with no worry what others think.
• I can listen better and enjoy my friends and family.
• I don't need to be the center of attention to get my ego stroked.
• I am no longer jealous when someone gets kudos that possibly should have been mine.
• I can be happy for them and know that they must have needed the recognition more than I did.  
• I can be honored for being near them to enjoy their "win". 
• I can remind myself that I don't do things for the kudos or ego stroke, but for the joy it brings me internally.

Over the years I really have learned that my ego actually worked against me more than it helped me.  Trust me... I still love a good compliment and I still occasionally struggle to keep my ego out of my way, but having a strong sense of self and not needing others to make me feel strong and worthy has been a salvation for me.

Embrace Compliments

I was listening to a speaker the other day, talking about gaining confidence. During the talk, he said something that really caught my attention. He said that we should all learn to accept and embrace compliments. He said that by shrugging off a compliment, we were actually robbing the compliment giver. We were eliminating or undermining the good will the compliment was meant to portray. 

He went on to give an example. He said his young son liked to tell him he was the best father in the world. He said that he often just shrugged that off or made a joke of it. After all, he was the child's only father. But, he soon realized that by not embracing the compliment, the son was sort of defeated. He seemed less happy at his dad's reaction to the compliment. The son wanted the father to know how much he meant to him. 

This revelation really did make me think. 

How often does someone thank me for something I have done and I turn around and say it was no big deal. Or, I blow off the compliment with some silly line or joke. They were taking the time to try and make me feel special and I robbed them of that. They wanted to make me realize they understood that I had done something for them and I am making a joke of their time and effort. 

I am now working to embrace compliments. Instead of blowing them off, I try and reward the person with a kind note or huge smile. I tell them I am honored that they took the time to give me a compliment. I thank them for reaching out to me. 

Trust me, this doesn't come naturally.  I think we are all sort of wired to not accept praise or compliments. Funny thing though... as I have worked to embrace compliments, I have found I enjoy receiving them more.  They mean more to me now that I understand that the giver of the compliment is sharing their time with me and making an effort to reward me for a good behavior.  I find I want to continue to do good things for that person.

I have also really looked at the quality of compliments I give. As I said in my earlier blog (Giving Kudos), I try to often share a compliment or kudos.  I think they are important.  But, instead of just giving a standard compliment, I am working to explain what prompted my compliment.  Instead of just saying "nice haircut", I try and say the reason I really like the haircut "nice haircut, it really compliments your face".  Instead of saying "thanks for your help", I try to explain what that help did for me.  "Thanks for your help. It really did explain to me how to utilize that software program better." I am hoping that by making my compliment more specific, it will mean more to the receiver.

So, if someone takes the time to give you a solid compliment, instead of shaking it off, please reward them for their efforts.  Enjoy the compliment.  You earned it!